- It's the saddest thing when someone you know becomes someone you knew.
- Like if you remember only having 3 TV channels to choose from and YOU were the remote!
- The side effects of the medicine I'm on include nausea, nausea, nausea, nausea, nausea, repeating things four times & difficulty adding.
- My Internet just went down... Looks like I gonna have to settle for f@cking my wife
- An apple a day keeps the doctor away... so does having no medical insurance!
- If you ever want someone to call you back, leave a message saying: "Hey! I've got extra tickets to"....and hang up. Works every time.
- There is a big difference between "friend" and "facebook friend"
- Getting a face tattoo in college is like majoring in unemployment.
- Cops don't like it when you ask them "Need some help?" especially when you're wearing a Batman costume.
- I'm not sure about you guys, but I'm pretty sure if she can sell seashells by the sea shore, she also has pretty big boobs.
- Please don't bore your friends with your troubles and worries. Tell your enemies instead, who will be delighted to hear about them.
- If you love someone, let them know often. Because you might not be able to say it again. Also, same thing works for people you f*cking hate.
- Like if you remember only having 3 TV channels to choose from and YOU were the remote!
- A good way to breakup with your girlfriend is to introduce her as your ex girlfriend at parties. It softens the blow.
- Some rude idiot just interrupted my afternoon nap by honking his horn just because the light turned green.
- Kids growing up today will never know what its like to have no internet, no cell phones, and a whole bunch of pubic hair.
- My friend said she thought it was so cute how me and my girlfriend always hold hands. I didn't have the heart to tell her that it's because if I let go she goes shopping.
- How funny is it when you're telling somebody a made-up story and someone says "Oh yeah I heard about that?"
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