VALENTINE'S DAY STATUS UPDATES

Happy Valentine's Day to you all.

1. _____My wife said she wants a divorce for valentines day. I wasn't planning to spend that much.
2. _____The only card I want for Valentine's is VISA.
3. _____I always Like to wear black on Valentine's day.
4. _____Seriously, do I look like a Valentine's person?
5. _____You don't have a valentine on valentines day? Some people don't have a mother on mother's day or a father on father's day so shut up!
6. _____Given that St. Valentine was a 3rd century Roman Priest who was stoned and beheaded, wouldn't a more appropriate celebration of the evening be taking one's steady gal to witness a brutal murder?
7. _____ A candlelight dinner with long stemmed roses sounds like a deadly combination for my inflatable valentine.
8. _____Now taking applications for a VALENTINE. Apply below.
9. _____ Valentines advance: If she went to the party, watched the entire Super Bowl and has a good time with you, then washed the dishes, cleaned up home, did laundry, washed your car and cooked the dinner� then she is definitely a Valentine material!
10. _____From all of us lonely hearts to you cuddly bastards on Valentine's day, we wish you cold sores and itchy rashes.
11. _____I really wish I could kiss you on Valentines day but that's not gonna happen.
12. _____Will you be my Valentine for an hour... We won't exchange gifts and we'll skip the night out and just make love?
13. _____My home made Valentines Day cards say "Would let you lick all the cookie batter off the spoon." That shit says you care...
14. _____From the moment our eyes first met, I knew I'd spend the rest of my life... trying to avoid you!
15. _____I'm going to spend Valentine's day with my x..... Box 360.
16. _____Valentine's is near and love is in the air. Don't breathe.
17. _____Valentines Day is the day that the "V" and the "D" come together.
18. _____Apart from being beautiful, what do you do for a living?
19. _____So do you call her at midnight to wish her Happy Valentine's Day? Or it can wait till morning? What's the procedure on these things?
20. _____I wonder why folks celebrating the demise of a poor priest as 'Happy Valentine's Day' with such a festive mood.. It's 'RIP San Valent�n'!
21. _____Happy Valentine's Day for those who's got a valentine. I'm just gonna watch romantic movies and eat chocolate because I'm alone.

Well, for those who want some cool, romantic messages, here are some:

1. _____Loving you is like breathing-so essential and important to remain alive.
2. _____You always know exactly how I feel and you are always there to make me feel alright when I stay far away from you... It is love that keep the connection between us so strong.
3. _____Calming me down when I am angry, understanding my silly ways even when I do not find words to express myself and still loving me so much... how do you do it all?
4. _____Your presence in my life brings loving thoughts within my heart, wonderful smiles on my face and peace in my soul.
5. _____You are not mine, but still I don't know why I am afraid of losing you.
6. _____Last night I matched every star with a reason for loving you. I ran out of stars because my love is countless.
7. _____When the days are dark and the nights are long, I shall be with you to make you feel good.
8. _____The way you wake me up and hold me in your arms every morning makes for a great start of my day, and I know you will always make me feel this special no matter how much we grow old.
9. _____I always wanted someone who will understand me and make me go beyond my weakness to achieve my goals, and in you I found my love. I love you more every day.
10. _____I will wait for you till dawn even if it is the darkest night.

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CHRISTMAS AND NEW YEAR FUNNY STATUS UPDATES

1. _____I already hate next year.
2. _____January: that special time of the year when a children's Xmas toys & his parents are BOTH broke.
3. _____ I'm not saying Happy Holiday's to anyone this year, instead I'm saying Merry Christmas
4. _____I'm making a list of all the things I'm throwing away before the new year including people.
5. _____Mass hysteria, people losing their morals, bodies all over the place!" No its not the end of the world but probably one hell of a party.
6. _____ Quit asking! I know nothing about the missing cookies!... now, if you will excuse me, I'm getting a glass of milk!
7. _____The world should consider ditching the metric system to use the American system, where everything is measured in shitloads and fucktons.
8. _____Life on earth may be expensive, but it includes a free trip around the sun.
9. _____The fridge is a clear example that what matters is on the inside.
10. _____ After Facebook picked our minds for years, now it is asking How's it going? How am I feeling? and what's happening? Is this some kind of psycho Therapy?
11. _____I changed all my passwords to "women" since no one can figure them out.
12. _____I sneaked in my neighbor's house last night and ate up all their Christmas cookies. This secret Santa thing isn't so bad after all.
13. _____Does "You'll find love when you're not looking for it" apply to money too? Because let me be clear I am NOT looking for $10 million dollars.
14. _____Married people always ask when you're getting married like they get points for recruiting you to their club of misery.
15. _____You find my language offensive? I find yours generally chipper disposition completely unsettling, but I'm not all fucking uppity about it.
16. _____As I was leaving work a coworker said �SEE YOU NEXT YEAR!� and now I�m slashing his tires.
17. _____Admitting you have a problem is the first step: Hello. My name is ________, and I'm an idiot. It's been _____ days since my last good decision.

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21 FUNNY, EPIC, HILARIOUS STATUS UPDATES

1. _____I used to think air was free. Then I bought a bag of potato chips.(Food)
2. _____So glad my face doesn't have a progress bar that shows how much I'm understanding what other people are saying.(Sarcasm)
3. _____It's a good thing not everyone has a smartphone. Someone has to honk when the light turns green.(Classic)
4. _____When a woman asks you to guess her age, it's like deciding whether to cut the blue, red, or green wire to diffuse a bomb(dating)
5. _____When a couple asks me for directions,I know that the wife is forcing the guy to ask. That's why I give them wrong ones to teach her a lesson.(Dating )
6. _____When you were little, �I�m going to tell your mom� was the scariest sentence ever. (Those were the days)
7. _____I don't think of it as eating grapes, I think of it as preventing future raisins. Some call me a hero.
8. _____Only place where you feel totally alone even if you are surrounded by people whom you know is... Examination hall (School statuses)
9. _____Whenever I'm walking around and observing my surroundings I like to pretend life is just a first person video game with badass realistic graphics. Sometimes I'll throw in some combat rolls or take cover behind an obstacle. Yeah I'm weird.(Classic statuses)
10. _____Aren't we all supposed to die next month or is that cancelled?(Apocalypse)
11. _____Seriously though, nobody wants to hear your ringtone
12. _____I exercised once, but found I was allergic to it. My skin flushed and my heart raced. I got sweaty and short of breath. Very dangerous.(Exercise statuses)
13. _____ If aliens ever land here and demand to see our leader, I think our best chance of survival would be to bring them Lady Gaga. (All time best)
14. _____ that moment when your name is at a math problem and every one in the class looks at you
15. _____I think its nice my vacuum cleaner has head lights....just in case I wanna wake up in the middle of the night and clean in the dark, or wake up my dog making him think he's getting hit by a train.
16. _____I'm surprised more people don't Photoshop a cleaner house into the background of their pictures.
17. _____The fact that there are several people in this world that are significantly more successful than me based solely on their hunt for Bigfoot is really sad.
18. _____ I`ve never been in love... But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food. (Food statuses)
19. _____If anyone catches me singing in my car, my immediate reaction is to stare at them until it's equally awkward for both of us.
20. _____ And then Satan said, "Put the alphabet in math.."(School)
21. _____ Just When I start to study, all the good TV shows begin. (School)

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Funny Friday Status Updates

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43 NEW FUNNY STATUS UPDATES

1. If you love something let it go. Unless it's like a bear or something, then when you let it go it'll probably eat you.
2. I finally found love!! It's on page 364 in the dictionary.
3. Everyone has a special talent, I like to think mine is ruining people's day.
4. The worst thing about admitting you're an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
5. I wanna get pulled over at 88 mph just so I can tell the cop: "Sorry, Flux capacitor must be busted. I should be in 1957."
6. Finally happened...knew it was coming....my beeper broke. Anyone know where to get a good deal on a new one?
7. Please don't walk slowly around me, I'm too Zombie Apocalypse aware for that kind of nonsense.
8. You look sad. It must be from all the fun you are not having.
9. Does anyone else take the opportunity when someone asks to "give them a sec" to respond with "Have all the secs you want"
10. Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so that I could slap 8 people at once.
11. Sometimes I think "maybe if I just let this spider bite me I could get superpowers," but then I'm like "I can't handle that responsibility."
12. That awkward moment when someone holds the door for you when you're 20 feet away so your forced into a weird walk/run.
13. That awkward moment when you accidentally click on Internet Explorer & you have to wait for it to load so you can close it again.
14. I guess I should have been a mechanic. Apparently all I'm attracted to are tools.
15. Looking at Facebook is a convenient way to realize you can't stand most of the people you sort of know.
16. I wish people were smarter... or quieter.
17. I've pulled a muscle in my neck looking forward to seeing you.
18. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Guess I'll stop cleaning the house.
19. You always have that bit of hope inside you during a fire drill, that your school is actually on fire.
20. Went to the bank today and said I'd like to open a joint account. They said "With who?" I said "Anyone who has a lot of money."
21. The aftermath of Hurricane Sandy tells me that we are better prepared for the Zombie Apocalypse than a power outage.
22. First aid?! You mean Jack Daniels?
23. The scariest part of the show "I didn't know I was pregnant" is that there are enough of these women to sustain an entire series.
24. I don't usually say funny things, but when I do, nobody laughs.
25. Writing "wash me" on someone's car is kind of funny, but writing "I'm watching you right now" is hysterical
26. Honking your horn is fun but rolling down your window and screaming "honk" at people is just way more satisfying
27. YOLO should stand for "You Only Live - Ouch" because by the time you say the first three words somebody should hit you
28. You can learn a lot about a person by the way they react to a slow internet connection.
29. I think "Don't Kid Yourself" would be a great brand name for birth control pills.
30. Everyone has that 1 favorite piece of clothing that you wear all the time and refuse to throw away.
31. Imagine being 100% naked and hearing a bunch of loud noises you don�t understand, that�s what it�s like to be an animal.
32. Never sure if it's a roof rack or a cop car.
33. Normal is getting dressed in clothes that you buy for work and driving through traffic in a car that you are still paying for -- in order to get to the job you need to pay for the clothes and the car, and the house you leave vacant all day so you can afford to live in it.
34. I don't care how old you are, the only safe way to guarantee the monster under the bed doesn't grab you is to use the run and jump method.
35. I'd rather change a tire than a diaper.
36. Flies only live for 24 hours.. Except for the ones that get in your room. Those bastards live forever.
37. How did they measure hail before golf balls were invented?
38. I am aware that smoking will kill me, please explain to me again how you'll live forever
39. Spoiler Alert: You drive a Civic, not a Dragon. You don't need a giant wing on the back. Knock that shit off.
40. My keyboard needs a removable crumb tray like the toaster.
41. That awkward moment when you don't know how to smile when someone is taking a picture.
42. Have you ever said something and immediately thought "I didn't know I knew that."
43. I am pretty sure dry cleaning is a scam where they just laugh and rub money on your clothes then hang them back up in a plastic bag.

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More Funny Status Message to use as you.. | Halloween Madness | Harricane Sandy

1. How's everyone holding up? It's crazy out there. I've killed like fifteen zombies already. Why are they all carrying candy?
2. Technically, I never really lost my mind. It just got scared and ran away.
3. I`m always the one attempting to catch people when they fall. Now I�m beginning to wonder who`s going to catch me?
4. Anyone who says their wedding day was the best day of their life has never experienced two candy bars falling down at the same time from a vending machine!
5. I just yawned so loud now I'm pretty sure a whale somewhere is trying to answer.
6. I�m the type of person that tries to fall back asleep in the morning just to finish a dream
7. The nice thing about picking up hitch hikers is that you can use the car pool lane before they kill you.
8. Not telling me something because you "don`t want to piss me off" is probably the best way to piss me off.
9. I just spotted some ducks practicing their teenage girl faces.
10. I crush up cheetos, pour the dust into a salt shaker, and sprinkle it on everything.
11. Just a reminder that you don't have to tell Facebook goodnight. You can just stop talking.
12. Sarcasm is just one of the many services I offer to people who ask dumb questions.
13. What often screws us up the most in life is the picture in our head of how it�s supposed to be.
14. Just remember, if we get caught, you are deaf and I don`t speak english.
15. Can you imagine pulling soft French bread out of the oven, breaking it in half, and sticking your feet in your brand new bread slippers?
16. I want to be the reason you look down at your phone and smile. Then walk into a pole.
17. Don't know what's happening outside but inside my blanket fort it's partly lazy with a 100% chance of awesome.
18. Just woke up from a blackout and my whole block is without power and a bunch of cars on the street are smashed. WHAT DID I DO LAST NIGHT?!!
19. When someone yells "Shotgun!" I yell "Rosa Parks!" sit down and refuse to move.
20. Still not sure how to throw away a pizza box.
21. The HR department said its OK for me to dress up as Winnie The Pooh for Halloween. So I'm wearing a short-sleeved red sweater, nothing else.
22. The cops were like "say the alphabet backwards" so I said "the alphabet backwards" and we laughed and laughed. Send bail money.
23. This Status is old.....I'll just go stand in the corner
24. I'd probably watch an episode of The Jersey Shore if the cast was learning how to surf right now.

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More Funny Status Messages This Friday

1. Fire alarms should use the last of their battery to continue to monitor fire instead of getting all beepy!
2. Sociologists say that social media is creating the laziest generation. I expressed my opinion in great detail by hitting the "Like" button.
3. If my memory gets any worse I'll be able to plan my own surprise party.
4. The funny thing is that the vast majority of my Facebook friends have no idea that I am slowly brainwashing them.
5. Why do people say ''I saw it with my own eyes." Do they sometimes use other peoples eyes?
6. if you don't have anything nice to say, come sit by me, and we can make fun of people together.
7. We can't date if you're gonna be all weird about my wife.
8. Every once in a while you come across a child that makes you never want kids. I am the parent of that child.
9. When I was kid, I was terrified of ear wigs because I thought they came out of your ears. Just imagine how scared I was when I heard about cockroaches!
10. When I say the other day, it can mean any time from yesterday to 364 days ago.
11. Is everything expensive or am I just that poor?
12. I hate being tired in school and thinking "I`m going to take a nap as soon as I get home" and then when I get home I`m not tired anymore.
13. Nobody wants to hear this, but sometimes�the person you want most is the person you`re best without.
14. After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I've successfully installed Java. He hates me.

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New Funny, Hilarious, Witty, Ridiculous Status Messages

1. I have no idea what anyone means when they describe the weather as 'crisp'. If you're going to use the word 'crisp', you really should be talking about bacon.
2. Just know that if I ever kill myself I will use it as an opportunity to frame someone else for murder.
3. My life has a surprising lack of dance battles.
4. Scientists have discovered why some female spiders eat their mates. According to the data analysis, it turns out the male spiders deserve it.
5. Never mistake my silence for weakness. Always remember, no smart person plans a murder out loud.
6. Whenever you're feeling dumb, remember there are people out there who truly believe that their life is defined by their horoscope.
7. If I've learned anything from Game of Thrones it's that I need a wolf.
8. I think one of my socks is pregnant.
9. I've never been in love... But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
10. You won't be able to talk after I give you multiple sarcasms.
11. Your words of wisdom make me want to seek the tranquility and comfort of a mental institution.
12. So I got up and made this chick breakfast this morning and instead of thanking me she ask me "how did you get in my house
13. Dear automatic flushing toilet. I appreciate the enthusiasm, but I wasn't quite finished.
14. Sometimes I like to go to the hardware store and run around with a screwdriver shouting, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is not a drill!
15. For some reason there are front cameras on iPod's and phones but girls act like it makes more sense to use the back camera and take a picture in a mirror.
16. of any of my status updates have made even one person's day better, then there's something seriously wrong with that person.
17. Every time a bird poops on my car... I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my patio just to show them what I'm capable of
18. So what if I can't spell armaggedon?..... It's not the end of the world. .....
19. Just once, somebody needs to roundhouse kick the person who does the 1$ bigger bid on The Price Is Right!
20. Sometimes I find it helpful to ask myself: "What would a competent person do in my situation?"
21. thanks to my workout ethic this year, I got a trophy. No, wait... I mean "atrophy."
22. I just read something so funny it made me spit coffee out my nose, which is odd because I wasn't drinking coffee at the time
23. My laziness is becoming such a issue that I can't even be bothered hanging my clothes on my treadmill anymore
24. I wish I was in a gang, I never know what to do with my hands when taking pictures.
25. Spent the whole day yesterday checking items off my task list. In retrospect, I probably should have used that time to complete tasks
26. 3 things I hate: stupid people and math.

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Halloween Facebook Statuses

• if you want to visit a graveyard this Halloween just log into myspace!
• I had to take back my OJ Simpson Halloween costume because the glove didn't fit.
• Advice of the day: Don't go trick or treating at the bank. They get freaked out. Especially when it's not Halloween
• All year I try to give candy to children and the parents start yelling "don't take candy from strangers!"Then Halloween comes around and you send the brats to my front door. Well I'm keeping my candy this time!
• For Halloween I�m going to write �Life� on a plain white T-shirt and hand out lemons to strangers
• Hey people with $3k worth of Halloween decorations in your yard, WTF?
• Halloween is coming� and you know what that means. An excuse for every girl to dress slutty and get away with it.
• hopes this Halloween, he doesn't end up with a bag full of restraining orders again.
• Sorry, dear. It appears ninjas ate all of our Halloween candy.
• How to save money on Halloween candy, set a empty bowel on the front porch and write a nice note that says please only take one piece of candy, that way everyone can have some.
• Be nice to your neighbors.. They're the only ones who'll know the difference between your good screams and your bad screams..Happy Halloween!

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ALL TIME BEST, FUNNY, EPIC, SMART FACEBOOK STATUS

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THE DEBATE SOCIAL MADNESS STATUSES.

1. My favorite mythical creature is the Honest Politician.
2. can't help but wonder how many glasses of water that Paul Ryan drank during last night's presidential debate.......
3. I think Jerry Springer should moderate the next debate.
4. Kanye West would be proud of the amount of times the two candidates interrupted each other last night.
5. These debates are cool, but I think Romney and Obama should just skip the last debate and do an episode of "Wife Swap" instead...
6. "I read that one of the presidential debates will have a town hall format where citizens will ask the candidates questions. The most common question: 'Are you the only two choices?'"
7. "The presidential debates were earlier tonight, and I think most of the nation's all thinking the same thing � just one more day until Thursday Night Football.

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WITTY, FUNNY, HILARIOUS FACEBOOK STATUSES TO MAKE YOUR DAY

• The only reason I run with scissors is because the person I'm trying to stab is usually running too.
• Remember: no matter how bad your situation and how hopeless you feel there is always someone doing way better than you
• I told my girlfriend that I would accompany her on her shopping trip to the mall. I have packed enough food and water to survive for three days.
• You would think dressing spiders up as clowns would make them less scary, but it doesn't, it's way worse, I was so wrong on this one.
• The doctor said I may have a strained abdominal muscle which is cool because that means I have an abdominal muscle
• Occasionally, I like to go to walmart, buy a jar of Vaseline, a cucumber and a Bottle of Gin and wink at the cashier
• Got an e-mail today from a "bored housewife 34, looking for some action!", so I sent her my ironing, that I'll keep her busy.
• When the car in front of me is driving slow, I move to the side a bit so the cars behind me can see I�m not causing the traffic.
• My biggest fear is being the guy that gets pushed out of the way when a criminal is running from a cop.
• You're right, all guys are the same. It has nothing to do with you exclusively dating douchebags
• I've got 98 problems, so I need 1 more.
• I just watched a dude squeeze a lime into his beer, but I'm afraid if I say anything he'll hit me with his purse.
• You know you're getting old when you can't tell the difference between a heart attack and an orgasm.
• here are two types of people I can't stand: Nosy people, then there's those that won't tell me what the hell is going on.
• I woke up moody, fat and depressed and thought have I turned into a woman?? Then I realized I�m just a little hungover and need some coffee. Whew!!
• While you�re busy staring at your phone flirting, your bored and neglected spouse is probably out fcuking someone else for real.
• I just told a man his breath smells like coffee beans that were dipped in shi t. He�s pissed but said he�ll be back with my speeding ticket.
• Going to the mall this weekend and trying on extra small shirts so I can remember what it feels like to be hugged
• My girlfriend pulled up a chair earlier and said, "We need to talk about our future." I said, "Yeah, it's gonna be fucking awesome -we'll have flying cars, shiny silver suits and vacations on the moon!" I'm now single.
• What doesnt kill you......seriously disappoints me!

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20 MONDAY FUNNY, RIDICULOUS, WITTY, HILARIOUS STATUS UPDATES

• Monday morning coffee is just as important as friday night liquor....almost.
• I can see smoke on the horizon. God I hope it's rest of Monday burning to the ground
• Thank God It's Monday" ~ Your Liver
• Monday is like a kid having s*x for the first time...it came too soon!
• Finally, that rare and elusive Monday we like.
• On Sunday nights, if you listen closely,,, you can hear Monday taunting you with the "Jaws" theme.
• Just once, I would like to wake up, turn on the news, and hear... "Monday has been canceled, go back to sleep."
• Things I don't like: 1) Probably you. 2) Cold coffee. 3) Small talk. 4) Mondays. 5) Having small talk with you on a Monday while my coffee is getting cold.
• I can already hear Monday morning whispering Go F***Yourself in my ear.
• You know when the police arrive at your job at 9am on a Monday... Its going to be an interesting day.
• Monday isn't so bad if you: skip work, get hammered, join a gang, get a piercing, bang a hooker and buy a giraffe. It�s Tuesday that sucks.
• Monday?! But, I wasn't even finished with Saturday yet....
• If we all band together and don't show up for work tomorrow, we could put an end to this 'wake up on Monday' nonsense once and for all. Spread the word.
• There's no more difficult transition than Sunday to Monday...
• Dear Radio Stations, please do not play Katy Perry's "Friday Night" Monday morning at 8 AM during my drive to work.
• I can always tell how good my weekend was by how many pictures I have to untag on Monday.
• The toughest activity of a week starts right from Monday morning....its called "Waking Up"
• Just reminding everyone that it's Monday, just in case any of you were feeling overly optimistic.
• If Monday had a face, I'd punch it.
• Today is Monday, and that's reason enough for me to hate it.

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18 FUNNY, HILARIOUS CLASSIC SATURDAY STATUSES

• I really need a day in between Saturday an Sunday.
• Just sold a lawn mower on eBay. That will be the last time my neighbor wakes me up on a Saturday morning.
• Happy Saturday!!! May the only work you do be piecing together last night's partying texts.
• Remember: Being awake during a Saturday Morning sunrise is a sign of a good Friday Night.
• It's almost guaranteed that every Saturday and Sunday I ask my friends, "Did I do anything stupid last night?"
• You're on Facebook on a Saturday night talking about how hard you're partying. But there's a problem... You're on Facebook on a Saturday night talking about how hard you're partying. You're not fooling anyone.
• Typical Saturday Morning: Who's bed is this and where are my pants?
• Middle Age---When you sit at home on a Saturday night and the phone rings and you really hope it's not for you.
• I Think my neighbor is holding a Saturday night mass. "Oh god! "Oh lord!" Oh jesus!"
• A religious man is one who feels repentant on a Sunday, for what he did on Saturday and will do again on Monday.
• Remember the days of He-Man, Ninja Turtles, Rainbow Brite, Pound Puppies and Pee Wee's Playhouse? Those Saturday mornings were worth getting up for....
• One of the best parts about Saturday and Sunday mornings is reading the Status Updates people post after a night of drinking.
• Acting as if today is Saturday. Going to work unshaved, no shower, in shorts and a T, full cooler of beer as my brief case, and the attitude of "don't bother me, it's Saturday".
• my new excuse for leaving the bar early on a Saturday NIght: "I gotta Preach tomorrow."
• Remember the time when Power Rangers, Ninja Turtles. Super Nintendo, Sega Genisis, the ORIGINAL Nickelodeon, Saturday morning cartoons. and recess made you a real kid back then.

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35 WITTY HILARIOUS FRIDAY STATUSES

1. Welcome to Friday. In preparation for takeoff, please ensure all negative attitudes are properly stowed. On behalf of your captain, Jack Daniels and myself, welcome aboard. I expect sunshine and good attitudes today for our trip. Enjoy the ride.
2. Its finally Friday! Felt like it took a week to get here!!
3. Nothing ruins your Friday faster than realizing it's only Wednesday.
4. I'm never sure how much ball cleavage to show when I wear my Casual Friday Jean Shorts.
5. Friday, Yay the weekends here...*BLINK* Monday? WTF?
6. Thursday doesn't even count as a day, it's just the thing that's blocking friday.
7. Friday, is that you???????
8. Friday night... So many innocent beers have no idea what's coming for 'em.
9. Hey Friday! How ya been buddy?
10. If you're playing World of Warcraft on a Friday night & you put your ear up to your monitor, it sounds exactly like having no friends.
11. Remember: Being awake during a Saturday Morning sunrise is a sign of a good Friday Night.
12. Well, it's easy to tell I'm married. It's Friday night and I'm at home updating my facebook status...
13. The way I see it, EVERY Friday is Good Friday.
14. I hate it when the people who owe me money post about how much they are enjoying their Friday
15. Notice the same people that complain about being broke are the same people that are updating status saying they are out shopping on Friday.
16. Thursday, which is "Friday Eve" in Optimisian.
17. dear Friday, I'm ready..
18. It's Friday!!!!!! I just thought i'd tell ya'll that just incase you haven't seen all the other 1000 post about it.
19. Dear Radio Stations, please do not play Katy Perry's "Friday Night" Monday morning at 8 AM during my drive to work.
20. Ok great name for a band .".Half Price Drinks" how can you not pack them in on a Friday night with that name on the sign out front
21. instead of that daylight savings crap why dont we just move the clock ahead an hour every friday at noon so we get outta work early , then on sunday move the clock back an hour at like 3AM so we can sleep that extra hour .
22. Came home Friday with flowers for the missus. When I handed them to her she replied, "Great. Now I have to spend all weekend on my back with my legs in the air." Obviously confused I asked, "Why? Don't we have any vases?
23. i would like to thank you people for letting me know its friday every week its thoughts like this that keep me on facebook.
24. Its friday everybody! Maybe I should make a song about it.......u know, just to get the word out
25. The power of Friday compels you! The power of Friday compels you!
26. has 32 friends online right now on a Friday night....Your all a bunch of losers...I am proud to be one of you.......!
27. now taking reservations for midnight kisses on Friday night. Sign up below.
28. Mom always said "If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it's yours.." THANK YOU FRIDAY!!, I Love You, too!!!! I've always loved you. You and I are belong together! This is wonderful! We shall celebrate your return!!
29. To whom it may concern, The inventor of thirsty Thursday obviously never had to work on friday...
30. Don't wait untill friday, start your weekend on monday !!
31. Memo to my coworkers: It is Friday afternoon, and I have some serious web browsing and personal emailing to take care of, so please refrain from walking behind my cubicle. Thank you.
32. In addition to Casual Friday, I propose the following: Punch A Coworker Monday, No Pants Tuesday, Drunk At Work Wednesday, and Call In Sick Thursday.
33. Friday, I've tried to see other days and none compare to you, I love you.
34. loves the smell of Friday in the morning, it smells like... WEEKEND.
35. I've run out of pictures to colour in, in my colouring in book... I guess that is enough work for a Friday...

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CRAZY, EPIC MONDAY STATUSES

1. I hate it when I invite people and they actually show up.
2. My coffee is so black and strong it just punched me in the face and stole my wallet.
3. I really need a day in between Sunday and monday
4. Whenever I start feeling spontaneous, my bank account quietly reminds me to calm the heck down.
5. I CAN READ YOUR MIND! 1) you're reading this aren't you 2) You can't say B without closing your mouth 3) LOL you just tried 4) you're laughing at the fact i'm right ...7) you didn't realise i missed 5 an 6 8) you just looked back at 4 and 7 to check 9) You know you want to like this ;)

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If you can't use your turn signals, you should not be trusted with the rest of the car either.

1. Whenever I see hitchhikers, I just pretend they're telling me that I'm doing a great job driving.
2. If Apple made a car, would it have windows?
3. I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
4. The best occupation to work from home as: Bartender.
5. Sometimes what sounds like opportunity knocking is actually disappointment leaving a flaming bag of poop on your doorstep.
6. Friends are just people I hate marginally less than everyone else.
7. Ladies.. Yall had 7 months to get mentally prepared for Football Season. We dealt with yall Loser Wives shows all year!
8. Mentally preparing yourself to step out of the shower during winter.
9. I miss being able to slam my phone shut when I hang up on somebody. Violently pressing "end call" just doesn't do it for me.
10. "In college Paul Ryan drove the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile. So he and Romney have something in common. Both have the experience of driving a car with a dog on the roof."

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There is a big difference between "friend" and "facebook friend" -MID APRIL STATUSES

• It's the saddest thing when someone you know becomes someone you knew.

• Like if you remember only having 3 TV channels to choose from and YOU were the remote!

• The side effects of the medicine I'm on include nausea, nausea, nausea, nausea, nausea, repeating things four times & difficulty adding.

• My Internet just went down... Looks like I gonna have to settle for f@cking my wife

• An apple a day keeps the doctor away... so does having no medical insurance!

• If you ever want someone to call you back, leave a message saying: "Hey! I've got extra tickets to"....and hang up. Works every time.

• Go deep throat a cactus.

• There is a big difference between "friend" and "facebook friend"

• Getting a face tattoo in college is like majoring in unemployment.

• Cops don't like it when you ask them "Need some help?" especially when you're wearing a Batman costume.

• I'm not sure about you guys, but I'm pretty sure if she can sell seashells by the sea shore, she also has pretty big boobs.

• Please don't bore your friends with your troubles and worries. Tell your enemies instead, who will be delighted to hear about them.

• If you love someone, let them know often. Because you might not be able to say it again. Also, same thing works for people you f*cking hate.

• Like if you remember only having 3 TV channels to choose from and YOU were the remote!

• A good way to breakup with your girlfriend is to introduce her as your ex girlfriend at parties. It softens the blow.

• Some rude idiot just interrupted my afternoon nap by honking his horn just because the light turned green.

• Kids growing up today will never know what its like to have no internet, no cell phones, and a whole bunch of pubic hair.

• My friend said she thought it was so cute how me and my girlfriend always hold hands. I didn't have the heart to tell her that it's because if I let go she goes shopping.

• How funny is it when you're telling somebody a made-up story and someone says "Oh yeah I heard about that?"

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Posted in CRAZY FACEBOOK STATUSES, CREATIVE FACEBOOK STATUSES, GIRLFRIEND STATUSES, HILARIOUS FACEBOOK STATUSES, WITTY FACEBOOK STATUSES

HILARIOUS FACEBOOK STATUSES

• Biggest Social Networking Crime: You haven�t seen someone for years; you vaguely recognize their name but not their face. They add you as a friend on Facebook and then after you accept them, you never hear from them again. 
• is it just me, or does everyone have two email addresses? One for normal emails between friends and work, the other for spontaneously registering on random websites. 
• You post constant status updates about what TV show you're watching and what you're eating for dinner. You're not allowed to whine when people get excited for football once a week. 
•   The movie "The Social Network" about facebook earned 9 million dollars in sales Friday night to top all movies. Imagine what they could have done if those veiwers had dates! 
•   I'm thinking of re-releasing my old statuses in 3D. 
•   Facebook is the Hotel California of the new millennium. You can log out any time you like, but you can never leave. 
•   My wife was watching a cooking show and I said ''Why are you watching that! You don't know how to cook Stupidity is not a crime, so you are free to go. !''..............She said ''Well you watch porn!!!!!!!!'' 
•   I don't trust people who like me the second we meet. I'm an acquired taste.     

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HILARIOUS FACEBOOK STATUSES

• If I have to buy you a present when you get married, then you have to buy me a present when you get divorced. It's only fair. 
• I don't know why people say something is better if you work for it. Personally, I love being handed awesome sh*t through no effort of my own. 
•   I really wish sleep came in roll-over minutes. 
•   I wish I had a room in my house that had zero gravity. 
•   I'd rather have my arms fall off than make two trips carrying in groceries. 
•   Profanity is most useful when you need to hide your inability to recall the right word in a heated moment. 
•   She is so slutty, her facebook wall has a glory hole!
•   You don't have to swim faster than the shark, just faster than the guy next to you. 
•   If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video camera and come help me instead.

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