21 FUNNY, EPIC, HILARIOUS STATUS UPDATES

1. _____I used to think air was free. Then I bought a bag of potato chips.(Food)
2. _____So glad my face doesn't have a progress bar that shows how much I'm understanding what other people are saying.(Sarcasm)
3. _____It's a good thing not everyone has a smartphone. Someone has to honk when the light turns green.(Classic)
4. _____When a woman asks you to guess her age, it's like deciding whether to cut the blue, red, or green wire to diffuse a bomb(dating)
5. _____When a couple asks me for directions,I know that the wife is forcing the guy to ask. That's why I give them wrong ones to teach her a lesson.(Dating )
6. _____When you were little, �I�m going to tell your mom� was the scariest sentence ever. (Those were the days)
7. _____I don't think of it as eating grapes, I think of it as preventing future raisins. Some call me a hero.
8. _____Only place where you feel totally alone even if you are surrounded by people whom you know is... Examination hall (School statuses)
9. _____Whenever I'm walking around and observing my surroundings I like to pretend life is just a first person video game with badass realistic graphics. Sometimes I'll throw in some combat rolls or take cover behind an obstacle. Yeah I'm weird.(Classic statuses)
10. _____Aren't we all supposed to die next month or is that cancelled?(Apocalypse)
11. _____Seriously though, nobody wants to hear your ringtone
12. _____I exercised once, but found I was allergic to it. My skin flushed and my heart raced. I got sweaty and short of breath. Very dangerous.(Exercise statuses)
13. _____ If aliens ever land here and demand to see our leader, I think our best chance of survival would be to bring them Lady Gaga. (All time best)
14. _____ that moment when your name is at a math problem and every one in the class looks at you
15. _____I think its nice my vacuum cleaner has head lights....just in case I wanna wake up in the middle of the night and clean in the dark, or wake up my dog making him think he's getting hit by a train.
16. _____I'm surprised more people don't Photoshop a cleaner house into the background of their pictures.
17. _____The fact that there are several people in this world that are significantly more successful than me based solely on their hunt for Bigfoot is really sad.
18. _____ I`ve never been in love... But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food. (Food statuses)
19. _____If anyone catches me singing in my car, my immediate reaction is to stare at them until it's equally awkward for both of us.
20. _____ And then Satan said, "Put the alphabet in math.."(School)
21. _____ Just When I start to study, all the good TV shows begin. (School)

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THE DEBATE SOCIAL MADNESS STATUSES.

1. My favorite mythical creature is the Honest Politician.
2. can't help but wonder how many glasses of water that Paul Ryan drank during last night's presidential debate.......
3. I think Jerry Springer should moderate the next debate.
4. Kanye West would be proud of the amount of times the two candidates interrupted each other last night.
5. These debates are cool, but I think Romney and Obama should just skip the last debate and do an episode of "Wife Swap" instead...
6. "I read that one of the presidential debates will have a town hall format where citizens will ask the candidates questions. The most common question: 'Are you the only two choices?'"
7. "The presidential debates were earlier tonight, and I think most of the nation's all thinking the same thing � just one more day until Thursday Night Football.

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WITTY, FUNNY, HILARIOUS FACEBOOK STATUSES TO MAKE YOUR DAY

• The only reason I run with scissors is because the person I'm trying to stab is usually running too.
• Remember: no matter how bad your situation and how hopeless you feel there is always someone doing way better than you
• I told my girlfriend that I would accompany her on her shopping trip to the mall. I have packed enough food and water to survive for three days.
• You would think dressing spiders up as clowns would make them less scary, but it doesn't, it's way worse, I was so wrong on this one.
• The doctor said I may have a strained abdominal muscle which is cool because that means I have an abdominal muscle
• Occasionally, I like to go to walmart, buy a jar of Vaseline, a cucumber and a Bottle of Gin and wink at the cashier
• Got an e-mail today from a "bored housewife 34, looking for some action!", so I sent her my ironing, that I'll keep her busy.
• When the car in front of me is driving slow, I move to the side a bit so the cars behind me can see I�m not causing the traffic.
• My biggest fear is being the guy that gets pushed out of the way when a criminal is running from a cop.
• You're right, all guys are the same. It has nothing to do with you exclusively dating douchebags
• I've got 98 problems, so I need 1 more.
• I just watched a dude squeeze a lime into his beer, but I'm afraid if I say anything he'll hit me with his purse.
• You know you're getting old when you can't tell the difference between a heart attack and an orgasm.
• here are two types of people I can't stand: Nosy people, then there's those that won't tell me what the hell is going on.
• I woke up moody, fat and depressed and thought have I turned into a woman?? Then I realized I�m just a little hungover and need some coffee. Whew!!
• While you�re busy staring at your phone flirting, your bored and neglected spouse is probably out fcuking someone else for real.
• I just told a man his breath smells like coffee beans that were dipped in shi t. He�s pissed but said he�ll be back with my speeding ticket.
• Going to the mall this weekend and trying on extra small shirts so I can remember what it feels like to be hugged
• My girlfriend pulled up a chair earlier and said, "We need to talk about our future." I said, "Yeah, it's gonna be fucking awesome -we'll have flying cars, shiny silver suits and vacations on the moon!" I'm now single.
• What doesnt kill you......seriously disappoints me!

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I learned to give not because I have much, but because I know how it feels to have nothing.

1. We met for a reason, either you're a blessing or a lesson.
2. How to find the name of a song: Type all the words you know on Google and hope for the best.
3. If I knew as much as I forgot, I'd be one smart person.
4. It makes me sad to think there are people in this world who have a Kardashian as their favorite celeb.
5. Guys don't realize how hard it is to be a girl and have to pretend you never ever poop.
6. In a way, I feel sorry for the kids of this generation They'll have parents who know how to check their browser history.
7. Im just going to assume that food stamps come with an Iphone, new airmaxes, and rims for the cadillac they give you.
8. Remember,,, The worst things in life are free, too
9. My boyfriend says I treat him like a child. So I gave him a sticker for standing up for himself.
10. Putting on a warm shirt that just came out of the dryer is quite possibly one of the best feelings ever.
11. I wasn't whole until we met. Only now am I a complete idiot.
12. Know that stunning girl who says naughty things and constantly posts pics of herself? I GUARANTEE you'd be SICK of her in like two weeks.
13. The only math I'm good at is adding insult to injury.
14. Our kids will never know the terror of calling their crush on a landline and having their parents answer the phone.
15. If you're in line, and the person in front of you doesn't notice the line moving, how soon can you shove them before it's considered rude?

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