NEW FUNNY FACEBOOK STATUS UPDATES

1. _____Monday is one of my favorite days of the week. My 7th favorite.(Funny Monday status)
2. _____If I ever write a suicide note, I�m going to start it off with �As of today, I am officially announcing my resignation��(Epic)
3. _____I never think about eating healthier but when I do, it's while I'm eating junk food. (Funny food status)
4. _____People with "KEEP OUT" signs in their yard grossly overestimate our desire to come visit them. (Funny Sign status)
5. _____You know you're getting older when...At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and you're not eating cereal.(Funny Breakfast status)
6. _____I got kicked out the pool today, apparently the breaststroke isn't what I thought it was.(Funny Swimming status)
7. _____Do I want to punch people in the face who answer their own rhetorical questions? Yes. (Epic)
8. _____I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn. And now we wait...(Funny Office status)
9. _____Depresso: When you've run out of coffee. (Funny Coffee Status)
10. _____I wonder if one day somebody will ever come and knock on my door and tell me �Hey we have 7 mutual friends in Facebook", Can I come in? (Epic)
11. _____You find out who your real friends are when all you have left to offer is friendship.(Funny Friendship status)
12. _____Wonder what Facebook employees do to waste time at work?(Epic)
13. _____My boss pulled up in his new car today so I complimented him on it. He responded " if you set your goals, work hard and execute, I can buy an even better one next year" (Funny office status)
14. _____I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mom's bedroom. I can't believe it.. She's a superhero!(Funny Mom status)
15. _____A cute thing I tell my kids is that if you fart while sitting on Mall Santa's lap, Real Santa will bring you extra presents.(Funny Santa status )
16. _____A hundred years from now, people will wonder why so many photos of their ancestors involve the subject standing in the bathroom holding a thin rectangular device at shoulder level.(Photos Funny status)

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Nice Quote photo

Quit blaming your parents for everything wrong in your life... Be grateful, they saw you through your teenage years and didn't kill you.

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Halloween Facebook Statuses

• if you want to visit a graveyard this Halloween just log into myspace!
• I had to take back my OJ Simpson Halloween costume because the glove didn't fit.
• Advice of the day: Don't go trick or treating at the bank. They get freaked out. Especially when it's not Halloween
• All year I try to give candy to children and the parents start yelling "don't take candy from strangers!"Then Halloween comes around and you send the brats to my front door. Well I'm keeping my candy this time!
• For Halloween I�m going to write �Life� on a plain white T-shirt and hand out lemons to strangers
• Hey people with $3k worth of Halloween decorations in your yard, WTF?
• Halloween is coming� and you know what that means. An excuse for every girl to dress slutty and get away with it.
• hopes this Halloween, he doesn't end up with a bag full of restraining orders again.
• Sorry, dear. It appears ninjas ate all of our Halloween candy.
• How to save money on Halloween candy, set a empty bowel on the front porch and write a nice note that says please only take one piece of candy, that way everyone can have some.
• Be nice to your neighbors.. They're the only ones who'll know the difference between your good screams and your bad screams..Happy Halloween!

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THE DEBATE SOCIAL MADNESS STATUSES.

1. My favorite mythical creature is the Honest Politician.
2. can't help but wonder how many glasses of water that Paul Ryan drank during last night's presidential debate.......
3. I think Jerry Springer should moderate the next debate.
4. Kanye West would be proud of the amount of times the two candidates interrupted each other last night.
5. These debates are cool, but I think Romney and Obama should just skip the last debate and do an episode of "Wife Swap" instead...
6. "I read that one of the presidential debates will have a town hall format where citizens will ask the candidates questions. The most common question: 'Are you the only two choices?'"
7. "The presidential debates were earlier tonight, and I think most of the nation's all thinking the same thing � just one more day until Thursday Night Football.

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I learned to give not because I have much, but because I know how it feels to have nothing.

1. We met for a reason, either you're a blessing or a lesson.
2. How to find the name of a song: Type all the words you know on Google and hope for the best.
3. If I knew as much as I forgot, I'd be one smart person.
4. It makes me sad to think there are people in this world who have a Kardashian as their favorite celeb.
5. Guys don't realize how hard it is to be a girl and have to pretend you never ever poop.
6. In a way, I feel sorry for the kids of this generation They'll have parents who know how to check their browser history.
7. Im just going to assume that food stamps come with an Iphone, new airmaxes, and rims for the cadillac they give you.
8. Remember,,, The worst things in life are free, too
9. My boyfriend says I treat him like a child. So I gave him a sticker for standing up for himself.
10. Putting on a warm shirt that just came out of the dryer is quite possibly one of the best feelings ever.
11. I wasn't whole until we met. Only now am I a complete idiot.
12. Know that stunning girl who says naughty things and constantly posts pics of herself? I GUARANTEE you'd be SICK of her in like two weeks.
13. The only math I'm good at is adding insult to injury.
14. Our kids will never know the terror of calling their crush on a landline and having their parents answer the phone.
15. If you're in line, and the person in front of you doesn't notice the line moving, how soon can you shove them before it's considered rude?

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