GOOD, SMART, EPIC STATUS MESSAGES

1. ____You can run from your problems. Unless your problem is a cheetah.
2. ____Today I watched a bee land on my arm. I let it sting me while I just stared at it and said, "Is it in yet?" just to make it feel insecure.
3. ____FYI. If your back starts to itch really bad and you are standing at the urinal, never, ever ask the guy standing next to you to scratch your back.
4. ____ I pulled my wife's panties to the side.......then put the rest of her socks in the drawer.
5. ____Finally learned to speak Chinese. Now I just need to say stuff that makes sense.
6. ____If I was an electrician I'd probably be fired pretty quickly since I envision I'd wander around a lot saying "I got 99 problem but a switch ain't one"
7. ____Ignorance is like sleep, your initial reaction is to be angry at the person who wakes you up.
8. ____Shout out to old people for graduating high school without Google.
9. ____I wonder if people in the 1800�s got in bed & obsessively checked their letters for hours.
10. ____Cars should come with two horns: one that�s like �Hey guys!� & another that�s like �I will end you!�
11. ____I'm really glad we don't have to hunt our own food anymore.... I don't even know where sandwiches live
12. ____It's safe to like someone's status without reading it if it got at least 5 likes. It's just like laughing in real life for no reason just because everyone's laughing.
13. ____I wish hangovers and orgasms could swap durations.
14. ____If we can teach gorillas sign language, we can definitely teach them the dance to Thriller. GET ON IT SCIENCE!
15. ____The hardest moment in life isn't when you're sad and tears come out of your eyes, but it's when you're sad and you're forced to smile.
16. ____Dentist: Do you remember the last time you flossed? Me: It should say on your sheet right over there.
17. ____Don't worry, kids. Being an adult is mostly just googling how to do stuff.
18. ____If I was just learning English and you told me a sport called BOXING takes place in a SQUARE area called a RING, I'd probably give up.

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END OF THE WORLD STATUS UPDATES

People on Social sites will always make a joke out of anything. I had no plans to post anything here today but after checking out what people are saying about this "END OF THE WORLD" thing I'm left with no other choice. Well, here's a collection of just a few status updates that am sure you'll like.

1. _____I woke up alive! GREAT! Now I have to go put real gifts in all those pretty wrapped boxes. Can't NEVER count on NOBODY these days.
2. _____Hi guys. Good news! It's the 21st and the world hasn't ended. Love, Australia.
3. _____If you woke up this morning my mission to save the world was successful.
4. _____ Did we DIE?! Is this hell?! Oh! we didn't, so you're telling me I'm just at work... well carry on then
5. _____Mayans are the main reason why I have trust issues.
6. _____ So, when is the next end of the world?
7. _____If zombies ever do attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can't get in without a Costco membership
8. _____Congratulations, you survived the Mayan Disaster. Please resume your life. Thank you.
9. _____The world won't end in 2012, Marty Mcfly has been to 2015.
10. _____Before we blame the Mayans let us ask ourselves; what if Bruce Willis and his crew are actually up there and they have successfully nuked the meteor
11. _____Embarrassed the world didn't end today. Now I'm awkwardly sitting at my desk without pants...
12. _____Well...this apocalypse is off to a slow start...can't believe I shaved my balls for this.
13. _____spent all my money last night on strippers and beer thinking the world was ending... now what?!
14. _____I just found a jar in the fridge, with expiry date 21/12/2012. I looked at it twice, and indeed, it was mayannaise!

Others:

1. _____I have the same level of concentration as someone defusing a bomb when Im entering the number combination of my snack in the vending machine
2. _____The liquor store clerk just wished me a merry Christmas as if she weren't going to see me seven more times before then.
3. _____I wish I could put people up to the light to see if they're fake or real like a 20 dollar bill.
4. _____You know it's a crappy gift when the giver launches into an explanation before you've finished unwrapping it.
5. _____If you're not making your candy cane into a pointy sharp weapon, you're eating it wrong.
6. _____I like to carry my drill in a holster not a gun, I still look intimidating but with the added bonus of being very handy.
7. _____When I was little, I used to sing in the shower. Now? I make life decisions in there.
8. _____Well, if this apocalypse doesn't work out, I hear there's a Jamaican calender that ends on 4/20 next year.

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Christmas status updates

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43 NEW FUNNY STATUS UPDATES

1. If you love something let it go. Unless it's like a bear or something, then when you let it go it'll probably eat you.
2. I finally found love!! It's on page 364 in the dictionary.
3. Everyone has a special talent, I like to think mine is ruining people's day.
4. The worst thing about admitting you're an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
5. I wanna get pulled over at 88 mph just so I can tell the cop: "Sorry, Flux capacitor must be busted. I should be in 1957."
6. Finally happened...knew it was coming....my beeper broke. Anyone know where to get a good deal on a new one?
7. Please don't walk slowly around me, I'm too Zombie Apocalypse aware for that kind of nonsense.
8. You look sad. It must be from all the fun you are not having.
9. Does anyone else take the opportunity when someone asks to "give them a sec" to respond with "Have all the secs you want"
10. Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so that I could slap 8 people at once.
11. Sometimes I think "maybe if I just let this spider bite me I could get superpowers," but then I'm like "I can't handle that responsibility."
12. That awkward moment when someone holds the door for you when you're 20 feet away so your forced into a weird walk/run.
13. That awkward moment when you accidentally click on Internet Explorer & you have to wait for it to load so you can close it again.
14. I guess I should have been a mechanic. Apparently all I'm attracted to are tools.
15. Looking at Facebook is a convenient way to realize you can't stand most of the people you sort of know.
16. I wish people were smarter... or quieter.
17. I've pulled a muscle in my neck looking forward to seeing you.
18. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Guess I'll stop cleaning the house.
19. You always have that bit of hope inside you during a fire drill, that your school is actually on fire.
20. Went to the bank today and said I'd like to open a joint account. They said "With who?" I said "Anyone who has a lot of money."
21. The aftermath of Hurricane Sandy tells me that we are better prepared for the Zombie Apocalypse than a power outage.
22. First aid?! You mean Jack Daniels?
23. The scariest part of the show "I didn't know I was pregnant" is that there are enough of these women to sustain an entire series.
24. I don't usually say funny things, but when I do, nobody laughs.
25. Writing "wash me" on someone's car is kind of funny, but writing "I'm watching you right now" is hysterical
26. Honking your horn is fun but rolling down your window and screaming "honk" at people is just way more satisfying
27. YOLO should stand for "You Only Live - Ouch" because by the time you say the first three words somebody should hit you
28. You can learn a lot about a person by the way they react to a slow internet connection.
29. I think "Don't Kid Yourself" would be a great brand name for birth control pills.
30. Everyone has that 1 favorite piece of clothing that you wear all the time and refuse to throw away.
31. Imagine being 100% naked and hearing a bunch of loud noises you don�t understand, that�s what it�s like to be an animal.
32. Never sure if it's a roof rack or a cop car.
33. Normal is getting dressed in clothes that you buy for work and driving through traffic in a car that you are still paying for -- in order to get to the job you need to pay for the clothes and the car, and the house you leave vacant all day so you can afford to live in it.
34. I don't care how old you are, the only safe way to guarantee the monster under the bed doesn't grab you is to use the run and jump method.
35. I'd rather change a tire than a diaper.
36. Flies only live for 24 hours.. Except for the ones that get in your room. Those bastards live forever.
37. How did they measure hail before golf balls were invented?
38. I am aware that smoking will kill me, please explain to me again how you'll live forever
39. Spoiler Alert: You drive a Civic, not a Dragon. You don't need a giant wing on the back. Knock that shit off.
40. My keyboard needs a removable crumb tray like the toaster.
41. That awkward moment when you don't know how to smile when someone is taking a picture.
42. Have you ever said something and immediately thought "I didn't know I knew that."
43. I am pretty sure dry cleaning is a scam where they just laugh and rub money on your clothes then hang them back up in a plastic bag.

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More Funny Status Message to use as you.. | Halloween Madness | Harricane Sandy

1. How's everyone holding up? It's crazy out there. I've killed like fifteen zombies already. Why are they all carrying candy?
2. Technically, I never really lost my mind. It just got scared and ran away.
3. I`m always the one attempting to catch people when they fall. Now I�m beginning to wonder who`s going to catch me?
4. Anyone who says their wedding day was the best day of their life has never experienced two candy bars falling down at the same time from a vending machine!
5. I just yawned so loud now I'm pretty sure a whale somewhere is trying to answer.
6. I�m the type of person that tries to fall back asleep in the morning just to finish a dream
7. The nice thing about picking up hitch hikers is that you can use the car pool lane before they kill you.
8. Not telling me something because you "don`t want to piss me off" is probably the best way to piss me off.
9. I just spotted some ducks practicing their teenage girl faces.
10. I crush up cheetos, pour the dust into a salt shaker, and sprinkle it on everything.
11. Just a reminder that you don't have to tell Facebook goodnight. You can just stop talking.
12. Sarcasm is just one of the many services I offer to people who ask dumb questions.
13. What often screws us up the most in life is the picture in our head of how it�s supposed to be.
14. Just remember, if we get caught, you are deaf and I don`t speak english.
15. Can you imagine pulling soft French bread out of the oven, breaking it in half, and sticking your feet in your brand new bread slippers?
16. I want to be the reason you look down at your phone and smile. Then walk into a pole.
17. Don't know what's happening outside but inside my blanket fort it's partly lazy with a 100% chance of awesome.
18. Just woke up from a blackout and my whole block is without power and a bunch of cars on the street are smashed. WHAT DID I DO LAST NIGHT?!!
19. When someone yells "Shotgun!" I yell "Rosa Parks!" sit down and refuse to move.
20. Still not sure how to throw away a pizza box.
21. The HR department said its OK for me to dress up as Winnie The Pooh for Halloween. So I'm wearing a short-sleeved red sweater, nothing else.
22. The cops were like "say the alphabet backwards" so I said "the alphabet backwards" and we laughed and laughed. Send bail money.
23. This Status is old.....I'll just go stand in the corner
24. I'd probably watch an episode of The Jersey Shore if the cast was learning how to surf right now.

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Hurricane Sandy Status Messages and Some More Midweek Stauses

1. Here is the list of foreign countries helping the United States with Hurricane relief:
2. Looks like Hurricane Sandy got tired of Jersey Shore as well.
3. Why don't they give hurricanes epic names like cyclone of doom or the fate fairy instead of frigging Sandy.....
4. My biggest fear of Hurricane Sandy is that I'll lose power and can't Facebook.
5. Looking forward to seeing New York the day after tomorrow. Sandy
6. All I can say is Thank You Sandy for giving me a break from the Election!
7. I say "do I smell popcorn" right after I fart, so everyone takes in a deep breath.
8. What if Gangnam Style is actually just a giant rain dance, and we brought this hurricane on ourselves?
9. Do the Chinese realize that when they visit Our Country, they buy souvenirs made in their own country?
10. I'm a perfectionist with a procrastinator complex. Some day I'm gonna be awesome.
11. A Shout Out to all the beautiful women who don't need to dress half naked to get a man's attention. Stay classy! The rest of you, come with me.
12. I get very annoyed when people mix up there, they're and their. From now on I'm going to point it out, weather they like it or not.
13. I don't know why people freak out and run when they see a spider. They are just gonna climb in your mouth when you are sleeping anyways.
14. Sometimes I feel like I'm just one mood swing away from getting my own padded room with a hug-yourself jacket.
15. You unfriended me on Facebook? Wow, you sure taught me a lesson.
16. Yes, I`m single... and you`re gonna have to be pretty damn amazing to change that.
17. Doing weird faces & sounds in an elevator & then realizing it has a camera.
18. I`m so talented. I can listen to music and ignore you at the same time.
19. I started drinking a little early. Yesterday, to be more precise.
20. Whoever snuck the s in �fast food� is a clever person.
21. I wish there was a room where we could go and see all the stuff we have ever lost.
22. *Washing Car* Friend: Sup dude, you washing your car? Me: No... I`m watering it to see if it grows into a bus!
23. I can tell somethings wrong just by the way you text me.
24. She spends hours and hours fixing her hair, just for the boy who will never care.
25. How to freak someone out. 1. Find someone on facebook with the same name as you. 2. Steal their profile picture. 3. Poke them.

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More Funny Status Messages This Friday

1. Fire alarms should use the last of their battery to continue to monitor fire instead of getting all beepy!
2. Sociologists say that social media is creating the laziest generation. I expressed my opinion in great detail by hitting the "Like" button.
3. If my memory gets any worse I'll be able to plan my own surprise party.
4. The funny thing is that the vast majority of my Facebook friends have no idea that I am slowly brainwashing them.
5. Why do people say ''I saw it with my own eyes." Do they sometimes use other peoples eyes?
6. if you don't have anything nice to say, come sit by me, and we can make fun of people together.
7. We can't date if you're gonna be all weird about my wife.
8. Every once in a while you come across a child that makes you never want kids. I am the parent of that child.
9. When I was kid, I was terrified of ear wigs because I thought they came out of your ears. Just imagine how scared I was when I heard about cockroaches!
10. When I say the other day, it can mean any time from yesterday to 364 days ago.
11. Is everything expensive or am I just that poor?
12. I hate being tired in school and thinking "I`m going to take a nap as soon as I get home" and then when I get home I`m not tired anymore.
13. Nobody wants to hear this, but sometimes�the person you want most is the person you`re best without.
14. After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I've successfully installed Java. He hates me.

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More Funny Midweek Statuses

1. Missed my bed....and by missed I mean turning the lights off jump on my bed and landing on the floor
2. Everyone always said that nothing about me would ever amount to much. I wish they could see my bar tab now.
3. Three things you never have to ask me: Do you want a hit? Do you want a drink? Do you want cheese on that?
4. You know what is sweeter than the laughter from a child? The sound of silence from not having any kids.
5. Next time you're asked "What's Up" respond "A delightful animated film about a young boy and an old man who fly away to an exotic place in a balloon house."
6. Karma is when you throw a banana in Mario Kart and you end up slipping on it.
7. You know you have an awesome bra... when you can do the entire 'Head and Shoulders, Knees and Toes' song.... with just a slight adjustment of the shoulder straps!
8. wishes that I could afford to buy each and every one of you a very expensive gift. Of course, I wouldn't, but I wish I could afford to.
9. Umm, when someone posts that they're having a bad day, I don't think it's proper Facebook etiquette to "like" their status.
10. Intelligence is like underwear. It's important that you have it but there's no need to show it off.
11. I wonder if the Happy Birthday wishes I send out to my Facebook friends would mean the same to them if they knew that I was sitting on the toilet.
12. I may forgive, but rarely forget. Ok, sometimes the details get hazy but otherwise I'm like a skinny elephant with some serious suspicions.
13. If you attack me you better kill me......because I've never been in a fight and will probably sue.
14. Co-worker keeps asking me what's wrong so I told her I'm irritated because some idiot won't quit asking me what's wrong.
15. Just accepted a job offer while taking a poop. Congratulations, you hired one hell of a multitasker.
16. The way I bend the rules should qualify as yoga.
17. I consider myself a hopeless romantic because I only fall in love with women who are out of my league.

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